I don't know where to start writing this entry. My mind has been in a thousand places today, thinking thousands of things, trying to think about anything but my baby. Monday it was healthy, we saw its heart beating on the sonogram screen. And this morning - probably two nights ago, actually - it was dead. And my baby dwells no more within my womb.
Today seems different than the other miscarriages I've had this year, mostly because I actually got to see this baby before it was gone. And also because last night when I started spotting, I was scared, but I prayed for peace, and I knew what the outcome would be. So instead of going to the emergency room, I stayed in my warm bed with my family, snuggled between Jay and Wyatt.
I've cried a lot today, but just because I'm sad doesn't mean things can stop. Wyatt still has to be fed and changed and looked out for. My family still has to eat. I have to keep going. And I'll probably be sad for a long while, but things will be okay eventually. They always are.
I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this, but God doesn't do things without reason, and whatever His reason, I know it's a good one, so I'll just trust in Him. I have to. It's all I can do to help me through the day. It helps me to be strong.
Mom and I were singing with Wyatt today, songs he sings in nursery at church. He's been doing the hand motions for Patty-cake on his own for a few weeks now, but today he sang his own toddler words and did all the hand motions for Popcorn Popping on the Apricot Tree. I was so proud! He is learning so fast. That really brought sunshine to my day.
My mom was talking a few weeks ago about things that are going on in her family. My grandma had been taking care of her mom for probably the last 12 years before she (my great-grandma) died in February. Then she was taking care of my grandad while he was being treated for bladder cancer, and now is taking care of my aunt who had cervical cancer. Grandad is okay for now (and hopefully for quite some time) but Tammy is not doing so well. She is moving in with Grandma and Grandad soon, I think. Anyway, Mom was telling me that she asked Grandma how she can be so strong, or something to that effect, and Grandma told her that her mom used to sing a song about being bright in your own corner, and how you should try to bring sunshine and happiness to your little corner of the world, wherever it may be, or however hard. I've been thinking a lot about that today, and when Wyatt sang Popcorn, it made me think of being bright in your own corner, no matter what life throws your way.
I know this entry is totally incoherent, but so are my thoughts right now. I wish I could get things out in a more meaningful, more comprehensive, less "pity-me" kind of way, but this is the best way I know how to get my feelings out.
Tiff, if you're reading, I mailed your package today. I hope it gets to you before school starts. I wish I could have had the scarf done for you on time, but so many things have come up, and now even more. *sigh* I'll have it done for your birthday at the very latest, but I'm hoping for much sooner.
To all of you who left messages of congratulations and well-wishing in my guestbook, a hearty thank you. I really appreciate it, even though the congratulations are no longer in order. Thanks for taking the time to care. :)
Ivy, I don't want you to tell me to take it easy about your costumes. I'll have them done, if for no other reason than to keep me occupied and not dwelling on things. It'll be good for me. :)
Well, I have other things to do before bed, so if you've read this whole entry, thanks for sticking it out. I know it's not been all hearts and flowers, but thanks for taking the time to read it all the way through. I really appreciate it, more than I could say.
talking:
no one
listening:
nothing
thinking:
too much
last five:
too much to keep in
Today's Episode: Dad learns he is not Superman
sometimes you just can't think of anything witty to say
cliques
(insert witty title here)
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