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too much to keep in 05 October 2003 @ 2:13 pm

I know it's been ages since I wrote anything in here, and I'm sorry for those of you who used to read on a regular basis. I'm also sorry that this latest update is going to be one of the biggest rants ever, but I really have to get this off my chest before I explode with it.

I hate not being heard. I absolutely abhor it when I am trying to make my opinions known and my voice heard and people tell me to be quiet and to drop it.

My brother Steve hates me. I don't know why, but everything I say and do sets him off. Even when I'm paying him a compliment, or asking him a simple question, he comes back with some cruel remark. When I try to defend myself, or try to rectify the situation, it only gets worse, and my mom or dad, or even my husband, tells me to just drop it, to let it alone, to ignore Steve's rudeness.

Maybe this is incredibly childish of me, but I can't ignore it. I can't let it drop. Because my whole life I've been told to drop things, to ignore them, and have let myself be bullied into keeping silent, keeping my anger and hurt and any other feelings inside.

But I have the unfortunate tendency to stew over things, until the pressure is so much that I finally burst from it, in a rather spectacular show of temper. Which I also hate, because I have a tendency to get violent. I don't like that part of myself. It's something I've tried for years and years to overcome, and with every hard feeling I bottle away, the urge to break or hurt something gets stronger.

Why is it that the people I should care most about inflame me to the greatest rage? Why is it that I care so much about other people's opinions of me? Perhaps the greatest reasons for this are that I have had so little positive feedback or approval from anyone. Perhaps it's because I feel, deep down, that family is the most important thing in the world, and that I just want all my family to love me, and can't understand why they don't. That their opinions matter to me, and I can't stand for them to see me in a negative light.

How can I get them to understand, when they don't even want to hear what I have to say?

A few weeks ago, Mom and Dad talked to me about "the situation with Steve." They said to just ignore him, and not talk to him at all. Dad said that a lot of times, the tone of my voice offends Steve, and that sometimes people hear things you don't mean. When I expressed my confusion, he said that he knows how Steve feels, because a lot of times the tone of my voice really makes him (Dad) mad. Later I asked Mom if she would have these kind of conversations with me without Dad, because I don't even know why my tone sets him off. I've never understood. Which seems to piss him off even more, because I guess he thinks I'm stupid or something.

I just want to scream, but I guess I can't, because they'd just tell me to shut up some more.

So now that I've gotten that bit off my chest...

Dad had surgery on his shoulder on Thursday, and he had three screws put in. He's doing fine.

As I was working on Project #2 of 10 (on Thursday, when I had no car or people in the house to help), Wyatt tried to grab the needle of the sewing machine while I was using it, so he has a big gash in the tip of his middle finger. I bandaged him up and called the doctor, and Jay came home from work to take us there, and they said he didn't need stitches. I think he should at least have had one stitch, because the steri-strip they put on it didn't last more than three hours before it went the way of the dodo. And none of the bandages we've put on him have lasted more than three hours, except at night.

I'm working on Project #4 of 10 for the month of October, having finished two sets of scrubs for the girls in the dental office Mom works at, and one of the robes to send to Ivy. I will finish the second robe sometime this week and send it off to Florida. Then it's back to work, sewing a dance costume for a little girl, and then costumes for Wyatt, Jay, and myself. And back to work on my knitting and crocheting, so I can have six scarves done by Christmas. Which means I have to find my ebony crochet hook so I can finish one of the scarves.

Oh yeah, and we're probably not moving back to New York, because we haven't heard anything about the jobs Jay's applied for, but we're going to have to find a new apartment, even though I don't have a real job, and we don't have any money for it. Things are just WAY too cramped at my Mom and Dad's, and if I have to live with Steve for too much longer, I might go absolutely insane.

I've taken up learning German again, and added French into the mix, so maybe I can tour Europe one day. And actually be able to get around without people laughing at me.

I think I've just about exhausted things to talk about, so I'll head out.

feeling:
current mood swing

talking:
no one

listening:
nothing

thinking:
i wish i was in europe right now

before || after

last five:

too much to keep in
Today's Episode: Dad learns he is not Superman
sometimes you just can't think of anything witty to say
cliques
(insert witty title here)

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